A school expedition
by Red Student -A-R
Summary: Luke and Jan Valentine, have been given a mission; capture Haruhi. Join them as they get themselves into moments that they themselves can't predict.
1. Natural thinking

Time is important... actually as I contemplate it, who gives a damn about it? I fucking don't. In fact, I died in the past, isn't that just grand. But I walked it off, and I'm only thinking about it because my brother is being pretty fucking boring right now, and it's been a real shitty day so far.

"Jan, hurry up, we don't have all day." I'm hurrying. Jesus christ my brother is a killjoy when I'm trying to perform an internal monologue. People like him is why this country of the rising sun has gone to shit. That and the death of that taxi driver in Yokosuka… but then again, he was chilling with two fine hot ladies… shit, I would've gone power crazy too. Fucking U.S. soliders. "Listen, our new employers have given us a task; go to some Japanese high school in Nishinomiya and capture the young girl."

"You know, that's great and all, but are we going to have to do this silently? It'll be pretty fucking hard to actually masquerade as a high school student, drug the bitch, and then take her back to… wherever the fuck our employers are located at."

"Perhaps… the situation might arise. Though it's not in our best interests to get involved in this part of town."

"Whatever you say brother."

We stand at the entrance of the place where a bunch of annoying brats go to learn information. Above us stands a sign… 'North High' huh? Stupid name for a high school, but to each their own I guess…

I grab the handle of the door, push on it and... nothing happens. Guess it's not one of those doors. I'll push on it then, eureka, it opens, but it's fucking annoying to actually experience that feeling that I am in such a rush, that I actually pulled the door, but it was a damn push door. You could say it's… grand to say the least.

"So brother, where is the slut located?"

"Our employer said something about a 'old wing of the high school'," my brother pointed his little finger towards a part of this trashy building that looked barren. "That looks about right. Well, let's go."

My brother and I began to walk towards that part. We're so close and… this girl with blue hair stops us for a moment. "Hello? Are you friends of Haruhi's? She's always getting herself involved with the strangest of people."

This maybe our only lead so far, so I smirked. "Yeah… could you help us look for her? That would be real swell."

"Alright then."

My brother gives me a smirk and we're on our way. I can't believe we're following such a dumb slut right now, but I guess I'm just that lucky. Ugh… my legs are so tired right now. I hope there's chairs or something, wherever we're going.

"Well, this is where Haruhi is right now. Also, if you could make something interesting happen around her, that would be swell."

We see ourselves in the enterence of a club room I suppose, and thank fucking christ the girl finally leaves our sight. Luke nudges my shoulder and he looks like he's going to say something to me. "Why would that girl say something like that?"

"Hell if I know. Let's go in."

Luke quietly opens the door and I look in the room. We see five people in the room, but only one is important at the moment. I enter the room and introduce myself. "Hello there you lucky bitches. My name is Jan Valentine and over there," I point to my brother, "Is Luke Valentine. So… what do you guys like to do for fun here?"

I look around the room and this orange bitch is cowering in the corner of the room, a purple bitch not giving a damn, two guys playing fucking Othello and a brown hair slut with ribbons in her hair sitting there with a confused look on her whore face. She even decides to speak. "Um… you're a little vulgar. But welcome to the SOS brigade, where we like to find unnatural people, as in the supernatural. Unfortunately, things have been kinda slow recently but maybe… you can change that around. Tell me, are you boys supernatural or what?"

My brother steps in and says something to them. "We'll, you see, we're basically freelance vampire bounty hunters. Don't mind my brother Jan. He usually get's very excited easily."

"Alrighty then."

So, I take a seat and so does my brother. A cocky boy smirks to us and holds out a hand. "Hello. My name is Itsuki Koizumi. It's strange… are you two transfer students here?"

"Transfer students? Sounds pretty gay. No, we're just people who have riches looking for bitches, you got me combover?"

"I… see. Would you and your brother mind having a chat with me?"

I shrugged, and we all went down like a fucking family to the back of the school on a hill, where there's these annoying fucking birds who keep chirping so damn loudly. We all sit down and the kid looks at us with a look that wasn't smiling, and my brother looks at him. "My brother and I don't have time for games."

"I don't play games. What are you men doing here? This is a simple high school."

"We come here to capture your queen bitch. Is there a problem with that?"

"Yes," the brat says to us. "There is. Mrs. Suzumiya is an important person at our club and we will not have anyone change the order of how things work in the club. Do I make myself clear?"

I smile at him and walk over to his side. "Hey, calm down shrimp. We're just having fun is all. Don't you care about having fun at least once in a while?"

"Well, yes, but not when it involves putting the life of someone else on the line."

"Well, I guess that's too bad then." So I grab the guy's face, with two hands, and inject my fucking fangs into his neck. The blood tastes so good, and when I look at him, his eyes are purple and he's now a ghoul, I shit you not. The boy get's up with a blank expression with me, and I cock a smile. "I love the smell of danger."


	2. Securing the girl

"So, you're the girl we're supposed to kidnap, right?" I said to the bitch in question.

I couldn't believe my eyes, she just fluttered her eyebrows and stammered her next sentence, like she never got taken away or something. "I am Haruhi Suzumyia, captain of the S.O.S brigade! Why would you want to kidnap me, an ordinary high school student?" I see her then grab hold of the orange broad. "Wouldn't you prefer Mikuru instead? Just look at the size of her breasts, aren't they big?"

"My brother and I insist that you come with us, no questions asked." My brother said calmly, like he usually does.

"What if I said no, hm? What would you do then?"

"It would be appreciated if, again, you'll come with us."

"Maybe... I'll think it over."

In a shot of a blue moon, I seen my brother's eye twitch a little. Fuck, I've never seen him this upset since the mansion incident. Fucking master vampire goes up to him and challenges him to a fight that he knows my brother will lose. Talk about an unfair fight, am I right?

Some kid who looks like that guy we just turned into a ghoul got up and interrupted this 'bonding' session. Fucker thinks he can just interrupt any conversation he wants. "Hold on, before we go into more details, I want to ask for clarification on this... are you guys really vampires?"

"Yeah, what of it?"

Green shirt (he's wearing a green shirt) simply shook his head. "I mean, I can believe in time travelers, aliens, and ESPers. Hell, I've even believed in cannibalistic onis at one point, because of this one story where a woman goes to the mountain to give birth to a child but has no where to stay, so a elderly, decrepit looking woman decides to let her stay in her ruined hut. After she gives birth, the oni then wants to eat the newborn, which is crazy but I-"

"What's the point of that fucking excerpt?"

"I'm saying that even things like vampires don't seem that real. Vampire bats, maybe. Vampire humans? I'd like a raincheck on that fact please."

"Listen punk, we are vampires. We suck sweet fucking liquid from your vessels, and then you become whiter then Casper. I've drank so much blood that you should just call me a hemotologist. So, hear me out kid, just so you know before I do what's about to come, that I am a motherfucking vampire."

"Oh yeah? I'd like to see you prove it then." Of course we could prove it, I thought. I was about to suck the purple girl's sweet red liquid from her milk baskets when the ghoul I mentioned before showed up on queue, running quickly and hitting the table like a moron. I heard the other bastard's phone go off and he smiled as water streamed like bullets on his face. "I think... um... that's my sister. See ya l-l-later." Jeeze, he said that one a little too fast for casual conversation, and then the pussy just outright left the room. Whatever, I didn't need him anyway.

I saw the violet dame's mouth move and thought nothing of it, until I see the whole room turn into a scene that seemed to be straight out of one of those fucking sci-fi flicks I keep hearing my fwbs talking about. I quickly lunged towards her but I noticed my body couldn't move at all and my vision was getting darker. "The fuck? Let me go you crazy slut."

"What's happening? What's going on? Yuki, what are you doing? Why does Koizumi look like that?" Haruhi the whore said.

"Be patient Miss. Suzumiya. I am simply exploiting a crucial weakness in the temporary mainframe of the clubroom to permanently segregate the in-"

Before I noticed, my brother was already behind the glasses bitch and guess what? He fucking knocked the chick out like she was Mike Tyson. I cheered at that and Haruhi pigtails hopelessly tried to clothesline my bro, but he then knocked her out as well. I then looked at my brother with wide, dead, eyes at our beautiful scenes we so beatifically created in the moment. "Whoa, bro. I'd say that shit is great. One question though, how long will they be cold for? Especially genki pigtails over there."

"Don't worry about it brother of mine. I'd say give or take a couple of hours and then they're good as new. At least, that's what I want to suppose."

"Awesome then, so here's the game plan: We'll take Haruhi the whore over to our boss and hopefully get paid for this joke. Before we do that though, I'm fucking thirsty, you feeling me. I need a drink."

"Go ahead."

I smiled and quickly ran to the purple bitch and laid my fangs right into her neck. I slowly began sucking away. Iit tasted so damn good, you wouldn't believe it if I described the rich, smooth texture of her blood. I felt that even the island that had those lotus-eaters on them couldn't even begin to compare with the taste of this delight. I'd even go as far to say it was like she was from out of this world, you know. So, as much as I wanted to keep sucking her tomato sauce out of her fleshy neck, she soon began to look like she just sucked on the most sourest thing in the world, and also a bit dead, so that was my queue. "Alright bro, let's go deliver a package."

"Do you even know where our boss is?"

"Pfft, of course I do... well, sort of. I could always just guess the right place off a whim. Worked for this dad who tried to find this kid, so it can sure as hell work for me."

"And where, Jan, would be the first place to actually obtain a good guess for the location."

"It's so fucking obvious, right?"

"Right... **neomnesia**..."


End file.
